Why Black lives matter to me personally

I am a White, gay ex-mormon who owes much of my strength and compassion to the struggles of Black Americans 

I was told this week by a Black man that I should use my voice and privilege to combat racism. That is why I am writing this. I told him I would speak more. But, first, I’m a little self-conscious:

Fair warning: This is going to be a post about me, and I don’t really want it to be. I don’t want to “virtue signal” or to hold myself higher or apart. But I do want to stand up. To do that, I’m compelled to tell my story around racism. If you take anything away from this, I would like it to simply be that this is one person’s heart opened-up to try to shed a little light and to make a little difference for good. 

The guy I mentioned was Shadeed, my Lyft driver. Sigh. Yes, he was the Black man driving me somewhere, and I was Miss Daisy in the back seat. Just as happened so much in that movie, we had a lovely conversation. Then, before I got out of his car, I was compelled to say, “I’m sorry if this is inappropriate, but I just want you to know that I know that Black lives matter, and that I stand with you.”

His immediate response was, “Then please use your voice and your privilege. Unless people like you speak up, nothing will change.” Thank you, Shadeed. Here we go. I’m carrying you with me as I take the wheel.


A photo from The Womens March on February 8, 2017, in Washington, DC
My husband Stephane and I at The Women’s March on Washington, DC (February 8, 2017), with two fellow protesters. We’re still “with” them.

I was raised to see black people

One of the greatest—and earliest—things my parents ever did was to teach me and my siblings not to be racist. I vividly remember them telling us, “Never judge anyone, especially not by the color of their skin. We are all equal.” I heard this many times while growing up, and it makes sense that my parents would do that.

My parents were inactive Mormons who smoked lots of cigarettes and drank lots of Coors and Budweiser while they raised their four kids in Provo, Utah, which is at the bullseye of the LDS Church. Living in the center of a target reinforced for them what it was like to be judged by some Mormons, for whom “The Word of Wisdom” (which bans alcohol, coffee, tobacco, etc) seemed to be a loophole in Christ’s admonishment to judge not lest ye be judged, ya jerk. Something like that.

never judge anyone, especially not by the color of their skin. We are all equal.

The 1960s and 1970s in “Mormondom” was actually a very sad era. The Civil Rights Act was born in 1964, as was I. I turned three months old the day after its passage. And yet it wasn’t until 1978 that The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints ceased institutional discrimination against Blacks.

Despite the Civil War, the Thirteenth & Fourteenth Amendments, Jim Crow, the Civil Rights Movement, the assassinations of Martin Luther King, Jr. and Malcolm X, and all of the other truly historic race-based developments in the United States that all occurred since the founding of the LDS Church, none of the “living prophets” at the head of that church got around to getting a revelation from the god who espoused loving thy neighbor as thyself—until 1978. Had Christ stopped being the radical that shook up the world sometime after being taken up into the heavens? 

It was in these shadows that I grew up. Bruce R. McConkie, a beloved member of the LDS Church’s Quorum of the Twelve Apostles and one of the darkest shadows of LDS racism, infamously believed and taught that Blacks had been cursed by their Heavenly Father with their darker skin. Here’s a little of what the Apostle wrote on that topic: 

The present status of the negro rests purely and simply on the foundation of pre-existence. along with all races and peoples, he is receiving here what he merits as a result of the long pre-mortal probation in the presence of the lord.

Blacks were cursed with the mark of Cain because they were the less-good spirit kids in pre-life heaven, and the rest is preordained human suffering, in other words. You folks signed up for the unbelievable brutality of slavery and racism before you were born; you did this in the presence of all-loving spirit-Christ, who clearly was A-OK with this, y’all. To be clear, that’s my very blunt interpretation of McConkie’s “Negro doctrine.”

I’m not writing about that here to reopen oldish wounds. But I’m not going to beat around burning bushes either: I’m illustrating a truly formative aspect of where and when I was raised, and the widely held racist religious belief that turned me toward the Black community at a young age. It was in this racist atmosphere that my parents were telling the young me not to judge people and that the Church’s racist bullshit was wrong. They were simply teaching me to see Blacks as human beings—yes, see and celebrate the the skin color as good and valid and unjustly branded by racists as less-than. 


A school photo of me in something like the fifth grade.
A school photo glimpsing a shy boy and future activist.

BEING aN INTROVERTED outsider HELPED

Sadly, my progressive parents weren’t exactly pro-gay back then. That would come in time, and they would become activists themselves against LGBT discrimination. However, while I grew up, I was keenly aware of homophobia in my home, my hometown, and my homeland. On the books, at least, it was illegal to to persecute Blacks, but those pages were blank regarding any kind of protections for my kind. That shaped me in so many ways. It harmed me, to be clear. But it made this already-sensitive boy more highly sensitized to the plights of others too.

Being gay is not the same as being Black. I’m not equating the two. However, being gay has been a blessing to me in so many ways, including in getting me to understand what it is like to live in a world where you need to look over your shoulder on the street, to look into the dangerous eyes of authority figures, and to be on the lookout for discrimination and mistreatment. I’ve lived through name-calling and the mis-naming of my sexual identity. I’ve survived the absence of equal civil rights protections, as well as the tangible yanking of such rights from my hands by religions and the governments from which they weren’t truly separated. Fortunately, I’ve also been born again into a life without a religion that shames and subjugates me for my sexual personhood.

Being gay is one of the things that led me to Black identification. What I mean by that is that I have identified with the Black community for much of my life. I looked to Blacks for strength and inspiration, in part because their struggle was more public and in my face. From the racism of Archie Bunker on All in the Family to the harrowing life of enslaved Kunta Kinte on Roots to the happy laughs (but episodic lessons about seeing Black Americans) on The Jeffersons and Good Times, heroes were transmitted through the TV screen to the introverted gay boy lying on his stomach on a braided rug in all-White, all-Hetero Provo.

I’ve very naturally found personal identification with other ostracized and persecuted communities as well, like American Indians, Jews, and queers—all of which are also communities with bloody histories at the hands of police/military forces. In fact, I think that seeking outside identification is a very human inclination, and one that is often stifled by inertia and fear. We all need to shake off the stifling chains, however, and actively seek connection specifically with the folks on the edges of society. The great James Baldwin put it this way:

Well, if one really wishes to know how justice is administered in a country, one does not question the policemen, the lawyers, the judges, or the protected members of the middle class. One goes to the unprotected—those, precisely, who need the law’s protection most! 

Black identification has expanded my sphere and spirit. In myriad ways, the thin, rocky soil that was me as a kid has had added on to it the compost, fertilizer and tilling & shoveling & raking that is a life that has sought to see and bring into myself the strengths, sadnesses, and striations of Black history. What I hope this has created within me is a deep, fertile, dark-black loam—soil that I use to root and nourish myself and others as I live.


Photo of Harriet Jacobs in 1894.
Photographed in 1894 just three years before her death, Harriet Jacobs is an enduring hero to generations.

Black humanity made me more human

I am a better person because of Black friends, history, literature, strangers, and more. My exposure to Black strength, injustice, goodness, beauty, and spirit has edified me in untold ways. That said, I will tell you a little. Here is a handful of the most important Black touchstones of my life.

Incidents in the Life of a Slave Girl, by Harriet Jacobs: I studied this book while majoring in English at the University of Utah, where I chose a special emphasis in African American Literature. Among the many books I read over several semesters, this slave narrative had the biggest impact and is still with me. Harriet escaped from the rapist slaveowner who fathered her children, and she then survived for seven years in a small porch attic, where she could not fully sit up and was separated from the harsh North Carolina elements by only rows of shingles. She emerged from hiding a cripple, but was able to finally escape to the North and be reunited with her children. Having taken into my mind the words of an escaped slave who vividly described her brutal life in slavery, her desperation to flee, her ability to endure extreme hardship in order to be free, her fear of recapture and lack of security in the North, and the beauty and humanity of her writing all instilled in me great, enduring compassion for Black ancestors and their progeny.

Visiting Tokyo (yes, Tokyo): When I was ~25, I spent two weeks in Japan visiting my dear friends Lori and Dan Cunningham, who were stationed outside Tokyo in the Air Force. I was reading Heart of Darkness (which centers on the jungles of The Congo) while surrounded by the crowds and chaos of this massive, utterly foreign city. My mind was cracked open to the vastness of human experiences around the world, and their utter, undeniable validity and equality to mine in the tiny homogenized world I inhabited.

Living in Oakland for 20 years: After getting my Bachelor degree when I was 30, I moved to Oaktown. I’d thought I was all open-minded and accepting and groovy (after all, I had studied African American literature!). That notion was immediately challenged by simple acts like riding the (very multicultural) public buses, working my new job, where I was suddenly the racial minority in my vibrant department, and simply walking in my (fairly bougey) neighborhood. I clearly remember fighting the impulse to cross the street when a small group of chattering Black teenagers was approaching me on the sidewalk, despite the fact that I was then living with my boyfriend whose father was Black. The move to Oakland was, unexpectedly, a jump from the theoretical to the undeniable. The intellectual practice of studying Black experiences and the very limited associations with Blacks in White Utah was nothing like the reality of a highly diverse new life, where I actually forced myself to acknowledge and interrogate my own previously unchallenged subconscious racism. That was transformational for me. Luckily, I quickly fell in love with the city with the unfortunate (but racist?) reputation and was changed by my two decades there. Indeed Oakland will always be as much my hometown as Provo is.

Opposing Apartheid + systemic racism: In the late 1980s, I learned about the plight of Blacks in South Africa under Apartheid and became passionate about the Anti-Apartheid Movement. I tried to make a difference and to learn more, and that experience was one of the earliest in my life that made me really empathize with persecution of Blacks and also connected me to the notion of standing up against racism in modern society. Sadly, only in recent years have I become aware of the many ways in which the U.S. is still sowing racist consequences with institutionalized racism like unfair lending practices, community redlining and forced segregation, voter disenfranchisement, and the contemporary authorized slavery of The Thirteenth Amendment. 

Black friends, lovers, coworkers, and neighbors: I’m hesitant to write about this group because I don’t want to objectify anyone for being Black. I have never knowingly become friends with someone because they are Black. I don’t want anyone whom I love and respect to feel anything other than my love and respect for their whole person. But that’s why I’m speaking up in this post: I’m using my voice and privilege to say to the community and to my loved ones that your Black life matters, and matters deeply to me. My daily, organic, genuine interactions with my friends and community at large is an ongoing, edifying experience for which I’m grateful.

Of course Toni Morrison’s landmark Beloved would be part of this list, along with scores of other books, art, movies, music, and additional cultural expressions. I could also write about Black heroes, from my favorite college professor to Barack Obama to Toni Morrison (again!) and back to Harriet Jacobs (also again!). I could write about the heartbreak of touring the National Museum of African American History and Culture and from the living human exhibition that is a crowded NYC subway car. Maybe sometime. What I want to stress now, however, is that very meaningful touchstones are all around us.


A mourner places flowers at one of the George Floyd memorials that have spread across the United States.
A mourner places flowers at one of the George Floyd memorials that have spread across the United States.

Black lives more than just matter    

We hear things like “all lives matter” and “blue lives matter.” In a way, I feel sorry for someone who utters such words. An inability to see for yourself and say—without equivocating—that Black lives matter indicates that either you are willfully racist or that you are simply missing from your emotional center a connection to one of the saddest and most tragic eras in all of human history. I mean a visceral, emotional connection, not an intellectual understanding.

We each owe it to our own heart and core of deeply felt personal experiences in life to connect empathetically to Black History, The Holocaust, and Native American History, for starters. Doing this hurts. It challenges preconceptions and beliefs. And it enrages and sickens you. However, if we each don’t personally connect to the truth of 400 years of Black human suffering—including how that is still kept alive today—we’re wrapping ourselves in a lie.

Am I too blunt? That’s possible.

I tend to be passionate—maybe overly so at times—about issues that impact the disenfranchised. I’m sometimes the metaphoric cat who like to bop other cats on the head when they just want to lie on the sunny sidewalk. So, whether or not you agree with me, now that you’ve made it all the way to the end of this lengthy post, you can now better understand why I feel strongly and speak up often. I’ll be doing that more—and more often in-depth via Astrimea (which is still very much a work in progress). I’ll try to keep my paws to myself; I’m imperfect and am not here to lecture anyone. I just truly hope it helps in some way. If so, please thank Shadeed, my brother-in-linked-arms, who has helped me to realize that simply saying that Black lives matter is not enough.

360 Comments

  1. Karen ( yes don’t judge)

    This was an excellent article. Thanks to Sarah White for sharing with me. Well written and comes from a place of empathy. Thanks. bTW it was a Supreme Court decision that “enlightened” the church. I went to missionary meetings at the time in Boise and at 12 was appalled by this whole area of teaching. For those that doubt this church doctrine please research it. Easy to find.

    Thank you. I look forward to your posts.

    1. Jeff Gammon

      Hi Karen, I really appreciate your kind words–and don’t judge you at all by that name! I would love to hear more about that SCOTUS case. Also, feel free to sign up for post alerts in the “Join” box above.

  2. Lori Cunningham

    Thanks for sharing with me, Jeff! You are changing the world! I appreciate your articulate and loving ideas. I am so grateful to be a part of your story and journey in what ever small and blessed way that I have been. Loves to you!

    1. Jeff Gammon

      Lori, you have been part of my story and journey for so long! That time we shared with Dan in Tokyo was truly unforgettable and transformed my life. I don’t know where I’d be had you guys not invited me to visit you! <3

  3. Nathan Webb

    Jeff, what a well-written article. I am so grateful to have a friend like you in my life. Thank you for sharing your experiences with the world, and creating a dialogue where you are open to discussing such important and ever more relevant topics like Black Lives Matter. Through this article, I’ve learned even more about you than I ever knew before. Your spirit and genuine care for others have taught me so much over the years. Thank you for using your privilege and platform to shed light on why our lives (Black Lives) matter to you. Over the years, we have had great intellectual conversations. You have always treated me with the utmost dignity and respect, always looking out for my best interests and well being. I am so lucky and couldn’t be more proud to call you my friend.

    1. Jeff Gammon

      Thank you, thank you, my friend! You mean so much to me, and I’m so fortunate to have you in my life. I only wish we lived closer. But no matter how far apart we are, I’m standing with you.

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